How to Stop Escalation Before It’s Too Late?
Date Published
Do you remember what Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare is about?
Two young people fall in love despite their families' bitter feud. The families hate each other so much (they don’t even remember what caused the conflict!) that events escalate to tragedy — the young people die, and their death becomes the leverage point (a point of change) - finally, the families stop the conflict.
Then there’s Two Goats on a Bridge - a famous fairy tale about two goats meeting on a narrow bridge, both trying to cross at the same time. Each goat, being stubborn, refuses to back down and let the other pass. Each sees the other as a competitor. This leads to a stalemate, and often, both goats fall into the water below.
Sadly, I’m sure you can name many situations from your own life, inside a team or organization, or even looking at the world, where two sides escalate tensions and perceive the other as an enemy (sometimes without a reason).
You might also recognize this pattern in the movie Carnage, a good piece of black comedy built entirely around escalation. Two grade-school boys get into a fight in the park, and one hits the other with a stick. Their parents meet to discuss it, expecting a short conversation. But then something shifts: one family starts blaming the other, the other family quickly responds, and soon the blame game goes out of control - it turns personal, and the absurd escalation continues…
These stories show real-life patterns - you can often observe them in how people interact, how some team members “collaborate,” or how roles and positions inside organizations compete rather than cooperate.
Systems Thinking Escalation Archetype
In the Escalation archetype, Party A takes an action perceived as a threat. Party B responds with a similar action, making Party A feel even more threatened, which provokes the next move from A… and so it goes, a never-ending loop.
We escalate because of hidden fears. We defend when we feel threatened and hate to admit when we’re wrong. Ego makes it even worse. A small disagreement at work can grow personal, hurting everyone involved. This is how invisible emotions drive escalation.
Systems Thinking helps here - you can break the loop at different levels depending on the lens you use. Seems so simple... The challenge is: even if you see the bigger picture, it’s hard to know exactly where you are in the loop - is it still a local issue or part of a larger, global escalation?
Think of your own example. Have you ever seen competing organizations (e.g., dropping prices)? Maybe you’ve noticed competing team members or witnessed a conflict between two departments. Or even something larger, like countries escalating tensions?
Escalation is extremely risky. Media and politics often fuel fear and blame, making nations distrust one another. Old wounds and historic stories keep anger alive. This dangerous mix can escalate very fast.
We win when we cooperate, not when we escalate.
So, what can be done? Honestly, the answer is very simple: we need to stop these behaviors.
But even knowing this, even reading about it in articles like this, we humans tend to fall into the same traps and repeat the same unhealthy patterns. So let’s pause for a moment and reflect: are we, right now, part of any escalating situation? This might be the right moment to introduce a leverage point.
Here are a few actions to consider. These aren’t magic recipes, but they can help:
Find common ground instead of seeing the other side as an enemy. Ask yourself: What do we both care about? What shared interest can we work toward together? Better yet, ask your “enemy” the same question. Important! ask, don’t jump in with your own suggestions - listening is critical. Stay curious. This small step breaks the pattern of matching aggression with aggression. Could you be the one to take a step back? Lower your voice in an argument instead of raising it.
Bring in a mediator. In workplace conflicts, HR or a professional mediator can help both sides see the bigger picture and prevent escalation before it spirals.
Between competing businesses, set healthy boundaries. Industry standards can prevent destructive price wars. If you own such a business, focus not only on price but also on your strengths: product quality, service excellence, speed of delivery, etc. Another strategy: change the goal. Instead of focusing on “winning” or “beating” the other side, redefine success. For example, instead of battling for market share, two companies could collaborate to expand the entire market..
The best way to stop escalation is often simply choosing not to play the same game. Whether it’s stepping back, collaborating, or redefining success, breaking the loop can turn a lose-lose into a win-win.
Take a deep breath.
Seriously - take a real, slow, deep breath. And another.
Pause. Reflect: is there a conflict in your life - at home, at work, anywhere - that feels stuck in an escalation loop? What if you changed your response? What if, instead of pushing forward, you took a step back? What if, instead of proving your point, you found common ground?
Let me share a personal story.
Once, I was in a conflict with a colleague at work. It was a terrible experience for both of us, and at some point, I noticed that it started to impact others around us, which of course was not good. Neither of us wanted to accept the other’s point of view. At some moment of time I realized that I couldn’t change the other person - I could only change myself (and no, this wasn’t an easy or automatic thought!).
So, I made myself observe the person’s actions daily and forced myself to find something good in them. Every day, for three weeks, I wrote down my observations.
No, we didn’t become friends. But surprisingly I started to notice other behaviors and, more importantly, it helped me calm my own emotions and attitudes. I can’t say I’m particularly proud of this example, but I can confidently say that focusing on something different worked out and helped me a lot.
Give it a try. You might be surprised how quickly the system can shift when one person chooses to break the pattern.